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Goodnights for Meadow

by elizaBeth Simpson

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1.
“This is the Hour of Lead--- Remembered, if outlived, As Freezing persons, recollect the snow--- First--- chill--- then stupor--- then the letting go---” (Emily Dickenson, “After great pain a formal feeling comes” 1862) This is how Letting Go starts--- noticing there’s already parts missing. This is how letting go starts--- noticing you’re already Letting Go. This is how I get free--- unearthing passion that were buried under shovel fulls of “what if”s and “maybe”s: this is how I get free. You used to be my Why--- now, you’re just “because.” You know, somebody wise told me: “Let it be what it was” It’s a strange thing: watching our Sunset. And I’ve been frustrated ‘cause it’s not a new day yet. I realize you’re not my best bet ‘cause the colors have been fading since when we first met. I’m struggling with longing, but not regret. I’m so goddamned ready for what comes next. I’m brighter than this Darkness. This is a moment of Truth, and I’ll forget it, though I’ll remember you--- it’s when I decided I wanted more than just Making Do--- this is a moment of Truth. This is how Letting Go starts: noticing there’s already parts missing. This is how Letting Go starts--- noticing you’ve already been Letting Go.
2.
Near and Far 03:04
When you are near, I know you’re near. and when you are gone I know you’re gone. So, when you’re near, please stay, and when you’re gone, don’t be long. It’s not the distance but the closeness that breaks my heart--- when you are here with me and then we are so far apart. We are two lifelines that make lines across this country--- As you go don’t you go on ever wondering what you mean to me: you are my family. There is a compass nestled here inside of me. Where I go I know just how to return, like a book to the library--- we are family. And we don’t need biology to know we are kindred souls: though we are each complete, together we’re more than whole. And remember what Joni said about papers and City Hall: you know I’ve got your back even when the state house falls. There is a myth about Hydra, whose wounds leave no scars--- that type of healing reminds me of ours, when our tears plant new flowers we have super powers. There is a gold thread stretched between your anchor and mine--- it keeps us grounded, it shows where to fly and shows where to nest when we’re tired: we are hard wired. So, when you are near, I know you’re near, and when you are gone I know you’re gone. So, when you’re near, please stay, and when you’re gone, don’t be long.
3.
Rising Past 03:33
Rising past, My love, at last My love, rising past old pain Old pain won’t last. She’s raising her bow above the waves Don’t look away now! She’s rising out. Look inside her crusted shell She’s all right, she’s always been well She’s ready to come out again, I can tell: Soft and light, with wisdom and insight, So curious with delight--- there all the while.
4.
Her Trust 02:23
If you take advantage of her trust you don't deserve it. If you take advantage of her trust you don't deserve it. She's tired of only having friends when they're orchestrated, like instruments. She'd rather chance a fall and lose her pride. She has the patience of a saint if it's going to happen--- she can't believe it won't happen. Would you take advantage of her trust when she offers so plainly? Why stay lonely? She'll bite off more than she can chew but she knows it's just the right amount for two. All those things in her poetry could be true! But if you take advantage of her trust you don't deserve it. If you take advantage of her trust you don't deserve it. She's tired of knowing eventually someone she'll meet will live up to her lifestyle--- so darling, make it worth her while!
5.
Epitaph 03:43
Anytime you walk by I feel so careless about my life. Why haven’t I put more into it? Why haven’t I gotten around to doing it? But this song is not an epitaph. Anytime I’m outside I know there’s more in a moment Than I could use in a lifetime And I walk by. But this song is not an epitaph. I’m dying but I’m still alive. Books and literature won’t placate this insight. All those things I’m so sure of Won’t make it right. But this song is not an epitaph. Anytime I’m alive I want to feel the fullness of this life. But why haven’t I put more into it? Why haven’t I gotten around to doing it? I’m dying, but I’m still alive. And this song is not an epitaph.
6.
Anger, vengeance, and jealousy are the most corrosive elements. More ferocious than a fascist tyranny; caustic like you’ve never seen. The first points a finger where compassion ought to be. The next tries to fill a space that’s empty. The last--- points three right back at me. But they are all still tempting. What I hate in you--- it resembles me. I don’t want to know my flaws. So I resort to anger, vengeance, and jealousy instead of understanding. But I’m learning.
7.
Well the evening’s dark, but the morning’s light. If you want something different, hold on tight! You can’t help but move through this fight. You can’t help but blossom into flight. Little soldier: you’ve gotten older but you’re still marking under the gun of old memories. Let them be! You know the earth spins thousands of miles a minute, though it seems we’re standing still, still we’re moving: taking the sun out and putting it back in our windowsill. Movements like that, you can’t stop even if you’re willing. No, you can’t hold back the life that you’re fulfilling.
8.
Sweetheart 04:43
I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to start another thing with an end. I don't want to talk it out again. I don't have any more time to lend. Someday I'll wake up and this will have never happened. Someday I'll wake up and we'll have always been friends. Soon I'll wake up and get that letter you sent, saying you're doing all right in someplace I've never been. My heart and I broke up and I haven't seen her since. She said, "I can't keep hanging around with you when you keep letting folks call the best parts of me sins!" And I said, "I know, I know, I just don't seem to have enough time. I don't want life to stop, I just want to press the pause button." And she said, "Darling, darling, darling... now I guess you'll have enough time on your hands." Someday I'll wake up and she'll be back in my chest again. Someday I'll wake up and I'll be my own best friend. Until then… until then I've got my own garden to tend. Which I never seem to get around to 'cause I keep working on this fence. Sweetheart? Where have you gone to? Sweetheart? I've been looking for you, sweetheart... I'm ready when you are... I will count to ten. And when I open my eyes, you'll be back again, with no surprises, and no pretending. I'm ready for my happy ending. I'm willing to be your friend. I'm willing to try without mending. I'm willing to walk with you again. I'm unlocking the door to let myself in.
9.
Ol' Lonely 03:58
I get so used to feeling lonely It’s hard not to go on feeling lonely But I’m coming, wait for me Wait for me. A gal gets used to relying on herself, Placing high hopes on an even higher shelf But I’m reaching up and it’s coming down--- Wait for me Wait for me. A bright beautiful star was shining In the dark night It was pining for another star to hold hands with So she could close her eyes Knowing there’d still be a light For others like her to recognize. But she did not find one. She built a fort out of the doors that had closed on here And lit a candle to pretend a friend for comfort And there she stayed… Til you saw her heart through the armor she had built And now you’ve found me by following the light I’d spilled. And I just hope that by the time that I unlearn all these old skills you haven’t gone. ‘Cause I get so used to feeling lonely it’s hard not to go on feeling lonely But I’m coming, wait for me Wait for me. A gal gets used to relying on herself, Placing high hopes on an even higher shelf But I’m reaching up and it’s coming down--- Wait for me. Wait for me.
10.
There has been rain, but it’s passing over, where there are clouds, there will be blue skies. There has been rain, but it’s passing over. Make this your refrain: there will be blue skies. The sun is only sleeping: she’d forgotten to wake. Soon she’ll come out sheepishly, eager to share the dreams she has made. (refrain) The storm was only playing, soon he’ll go back inside To have apple tea and tangerines while the day passes by. (refrain) The clouds were just pretending, playing tricks with your eyes, and soon they’ll be home mending, sewing their silver linings. (refrain, past tense)
11.
I’ll sit with you tonight, just to have you eyes closed and dreaming tight. Just this once, just this once--- open them wide. ‘Cause i want you to call me over. And I want to call you “mine”. And your breath whispers sweetly into my neck all those things we’re not afraid to try. I’ll sit but I won’t pry. I’ll accept your offering when you hold it high. ‘Cause my love is patient, and my love is kind--- when you’re ready: I’m open wide. I want you to call me darling, And rest your head on my side. I want you to call me anything you’d like As long as it’s your breath in my ear. And those little fears drift away, leaving, leaving only leaving only what you want me to hear.

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released April 15, 2020

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elizaBeth Simpson Urbana, Illinois

elizaBeth has been a vocalist and guitarist since 1992. She is a cultural worker who specializes in collaborative projects with people who don't think they are creative, and is the founder of the We Wanna Woke Community Justice Street Choir.

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